Horseshoes, good luck, and finding your people
Hello darlings –
I hope everyone’s July is fucking awesome. If not, what can you do in the next 10 days to make it amazing?
Here’s something fun to look forward to! If you will be at APSA in Los Angeles (or just live in LA!) and want to meet up / see people / meet me, I’ll be at HiDef Brewing at 4pm on Sept 2. Come say hi, get a sticker (there might even be some horseshoe ones!), and meet some people!
I got a really good series of questions about my lil “in this office” reminders, specifically about what I mean when I say: make your circle a horseshoe and how to do it! So, let’s talk about it!
What does it mean to make your circles into horseshoes?
It means: when you are with a group of people, always make room for more people to come into your group. This is both physically (move! Make room!) and in your social groups and networks.
It isn’t even my saying! I got it from Glennon Doyle, who is an absolute badass and says:
Alt text for image: a screenshot of a tweet by Glennon Doyle that says: “If you are standing with other women in a circle and there’s a woman standing alone in your circle’s vicinity - the thing to do is notice her, smile at her, move over a bit and say, “Hi, come join us!” Even if she decides not to join your circle - even if she looks at you like you’re crazy - inviting her is STILL THE THING TO DO. This advice is meant for both literal and figurative circles. WIDE YOUR CIRCLE. ALL THE TIMES. Love, G”
Many people have heard the story of how when I was a baby assistant professor, a senior scholar physically stood in front of me to cut me out of a circle one time when I was at a conference (that’s okay, her name is in my book and I learned the fucking lesson from it!) and I thought: Mirya, you better never ever ever do shit like this when you’ve made it*
*Have I made it? Who the fuck knows. But I hope I don’t do this shit.
Why should you do this?
Here’s the thing: academia is elitist and hierarchical (anyone have to explain to a family member what an assistant professor is and how you aren’t an assistant to anyone and you have no boss but also everyone you work with gets to decide your fate?? No, just me?). Networks are also tend towards homophily. It is easy and comfortable and cozy to just interact with the same people all the time. But it also fucking sucks, it is immoral (I said what I said), it perpetuates inequality, reduces the quality of decision making, and we are weaker scholars with less power if we just let this happen. Also, a larger number of connections and friends can help with your mental and physical health and your happiness!
But how do we actually do actually do this?
You know what is really fucking hard? Making friends as an adult! You know what is even harder? Trying to meet cool people in academia, especially when our worlds are so hierarchical and path dependency is so strong. So how do we actually invite new people into our academic horseshoes? Where do we find these people? What do we do with them once we find them?
(I know that some of these things sounds like hell on earth for some people, so pick and choose what works for you! Not everything is for everyone!)
Just do it! If you are at an event or a workshop or a conference and you are standing with a group of people and you see someone lurking, ask them to join you! Introduce yourself! Be friendly!
Think parallel not upward: Many of us have gotten the advice to reach out to senior scholars who are working on similar things to you or that you want to meet. But it turns out, a lot of us senior people are really fucking boring turds (I can say this! I’m a boring turd!) and they all already have pretty fully formed networks. Who are people that you want to meet who are in parallel positions to you? Other grad students you know from social media, other assistant professors at schools close to yours geographically, other post docs, other people in X group that you identify with. Send a DM, an email, a text, write a letter, send a telegram and make a plan to meet up at a reception or a meal.
Your friend’s friends are probably awesome. We know that people like the people that the people they like like (yeah that’s a word salad. Deal with it). So – who are the people you like? Who do they know that you don’t yet know? Ask for an introduction. Follow
Online friends are real friends. If you like someone online, you will probably like them in person (also, if someone bothers the shit out of you online…) If you regularly chat with people online, make a plan to meet in person.
Forced intimacy is amazing: (Mirya, stop being weird). But, like, really. Small conferences, workshops, pre-conferences, conferences-within-a-conference – all it are ideal times to spend an extended period with new people. But here’s the thing: follow up! Send emails! Get in touch! Connect on socials! All of these things will make that bond you formed during hour six of the extreme air conditioning that much stronger. Maybe you can plan to do an online writing power hour with them. Or exchange work. Or do a writing group. Or work out together. Or travel together. Or do zoom happy hours (These have all happened to me!)
Please go make your circles into horseshoes! And come say hi in Los Angeles!
XOXOX,
Mirya